UFO: Futuristic Concepts and the End of the World

I was sitting on the front stoop wondering if I should wash the pickup or pick the last of the tomatoes off my one vine that has produced about a zillion marble-sized tomatoes this summer.

I learned last year that you only need one tomato plant in Idaho unless you want to supply (no derogatory remark here) Wal-Mart®. I accidentally picked a plant that pumps out those wee tomatoes that I didn’t like. I like the big ones that send juice running down your cheeks when you bite into them.

My granddaughter, L, loves the little ones and I found that if you get a handful and plunk them into your mouth all at the same time, like she does, you can get a big tomato sensation. I went out to my plant and grabbed a handful. That’s when Xrytspet showed up.

“I don’t see how you can eat those things!”

I said, “Go away, Xrytspet!”

She said, “I came to help. Is that how I’m to be treated?”

“What do you want, Xrytspet?”

“I’ve come to help you with that article you are thinking about.”

As is her custom, she sat on my lap. I said, “Get off my lap!”

“I want to help you with that Future-Concepts - Got futuristic dreams of changing the world? Put even your most eccentric or innovative ideas here! article for the new http://ezinearticles.com category.

“Sense when do I need you to help me write, Xrytspet? I’ve got my own ideas for the article.”

“They stink!”

“What do you mean, they stink? You’ve been in there messing with my computer, haven’t you?”

“I made a few revisions to your article.”

She kissed my cheek and disappeared after turning herself into a Northern Fish Crow, a Blue Bird, and a Northern Shriek.

Last week she turned herself into a cheetah, a puma, and a jaguar before she disappeared. The jaguar chased me up our cherry tree.

I decided to skip washing the pickup. It was getting cloudy in the west and maybe it would rain. I went into the computer and read her article which is as follows:

Futuristic Concepts and Dreams that Will Change the World Including Eccentric and Innovative Ideas. by Xrytspet and John T. Jones, Ph.D.

To determine the future we went to the Synchronic Isentropic Time Warp Predictor and typed in Earth. Here is the printout of significant events:

March 2017: Bush War II (Iraq) ends. The casualties not counting Iraqis (who don’t count) were 12337 Americans, 12 Australian, 987 Britons, 134 Bulgarians, 7 Danes, 9 Dutch, 14 Estonians, 9 Hungarian, 260 Italians, 3 Kazakh, 4 Latvian, 174 Poles, 4 Salvadoran, 6 Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, 8 Thai and 18 Ukrainians.

April 2034: Bush War II (Afghanistan) ends. The casualties not counting citizens of Afghanistan (who don’t count) were 1250 Americans, 8 Australian, 12 Britons, 16 Canadians, 12 Danes, 14 French, 45 Germans, 16 Italians, 5 Norwegian, 7 Romanians and 57 Spaniards. There were also Pakistani deaths (who don’t count).

January 2037: Cell Phone Production Wavers Off: Only 2.345 billion telephones were produced in 2036. The death count by drivers using cell phones reached 52,617 deaths and 7,260,006 injuries.

November 2248: Post revolutionaries attempt to bring freedom to the United States: Students from the University of Nevada, Tonopah called on President Valerie Clinton, a descendent of President Hillary Rodman Clinton, to convince the 47 states that left the Union last year to return and to start up Congress again. The President said, “Are you kidding? I can hardly manage the three states that are left (Utah, Nevada, and Idaho).”

October-December 2869: Meteor shower throw big ones at Aberdeen, Kansas and Aberdeen, Scotland. Most humanoids were killed in the two Aberdeens (and in their surrounding areas) during the recent rock show from the sky. A Mongolian horse breeder said, “At last! Now maybe I can raise my horses in peace without those National Geographic guys being around here all the time.”

February 2356: Nubian man creates fire from rubbing sticks together (Also called Kush, Land of Kush, Te-Nehesy, Nubadae, Napata, or the Kingdom of Meroei.) : Amun-Pa of Batn El Hajar or "Belly of Rocks" has discovered fire, something we all forgot. He lit a torch and ran all the way to the 6th Cataract above Khartoum. His run will be repeated at the First Nubian Olympics in September, at Khartoum, right after the hot season.

August 2459: Glaciers at Antarctica have all now melted. Geologists predict good beach conditions east of the underwater community of Sacramento, CA and at the lower elevations below Spruce Pine, NC.

June 2787: Astronomers apologize for not predicting the correct approach of Asteroid Humongous last fall. Speaking for the scientist at Area 51 near Los Vegas, Nevada, Dr. Alice Brown-Jones, a remote cousin of the famous cinema star, Catherine Zeta Jones that we have been watching on our television sets for decades, said in a news conference this morning at 1:17 a.m. that the trajectory of Asteroid Humongous was calculated incorrectly last fall and that the asteroid was going to hit the moon dead center rather than swishing by our earth sucking the ocean waters into the sky. (That would have been a sight!) She said that scientist at Area 51 near Los Vegas were calculating the consequences of this, but she suggested that we all take measures to learn the Nuclear Age Safe Position. As a public service we instruct you herewith:

1. Find a strong table or desk. (If you have a choice, choose the one in the cellar or basement.)

2. Sit under the desk or table.

3. Pull your legs up to your chin but keep your legs apart wide enough to kiss your butt goodbye.

End of Record

After I read this report, I was very relieved. None of this would affect me much.

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